“Can’t Buy Me Love” (Money and Relationships)

Money may not be able to buy you love, but it sure can make or break it!

Money can be a source of joy, opportunity, and growth, but in relationships, it can also be a source of stress and conflict.

Financial disagreements are one of the leading causes of tension in relationships, often stemming from differing values, spending habits, or communication styles. Yet, with a proactive and collaborative approach, couples can turn money from a point of contention into a tool for building a shared future.

This article explores practical strategies for managing finances as a couple, from open communication to budgeting, goal-setting, and financial planning.

10 money strategies for couples

1. Start with open and honest communication

The cornerstone of successful financial management in any relationship is open and honest dialogue. Many couples avoid talking about money—especially early in the relationship—out of fear, embarrassment, or a belief that love should be separate from finances.  However, transparency is crucial.

Key topics to discuss include:

• Income sources and amounts;
• Debt (including credit cards, student loans, and personal loans);
• Spending habits and patterns;
• Saving goals and existing savings;
• Investment strategies and retirement plans; and
• Financial fears and values.

Creating a safe space for these discussions, that is free from judgment or blame, helps both partners understand each other's financial perspectives and expectations. Consider setting a regular time—monthly or quarterly—to check in on finances as a team.

2. Understand each other’s money mindsets

Everyone has a ‘money script’—a set of beliefs about money formed through upbringing, life experiences, and personal values. One partner may see money as a tool for security and want to save aggressively, while the other may value experiences and thus feel comfortable spending more freely.

Understanding these underlying beliefs helps avoid misunderstandings. Instead of framing discussions in terms of ‘right’ or ‘wrong’, try to understand the ‘why’ behind each other’s financial behaviour. This empathy fosters compromise and cooperation.

3. Choose the right financial structure

Couples need to decide how to structure their finances. In particular, one of the most contentious decisions is whether a couple should operate a joint bank account, separate accounts, or a hybrid of both.

Here are the main features of the three approaches:

• Joint account: All income is paid into a single bank account operated jointly by both partners, with all expenses being paid from this account. This approach promotes unity and simplicity, but requires a high degree of trust and alignment.
• Separate accounts: Each partner operates their own bank account into which their specific income is paid, and has sole authority to make any payments from such account. This can work well for couples who value financial independence or have significantly different spending styles.
• Hybrid approach: This is a combination of the first two, whereby each partner pays an agreed amount into a joint account to meet shared expenses (e.g., household costs, joint savings, holidays, etc.), while the balance is retained in their separate accounts—thereby maintaining a balance between autonomy and shared responsibility.

There is no one-size-fits-all answer. What matters most is mutual agreement and transparency about how each structure will work.

4. Create a joint budget

A budget is a powerful tool for financial clarity and teamwork. It helps both partners to not only see where their money is going, but also to align their spending with shared goals.

Steps to building a budget together:

• List all income sources.
• Track fixed expenses (rent, utilities, insurance, debt payments).
• Estimate variable expenses (groceries, entertainment, transportation).
• Set savings and investment goals.
• Include individual discretionary spending (e.g., hobbies, personal items).

The budget process need not be complicated—budgeting apps, banking tools, spreadsheets, or even a notebook can be used to track progress. The key is making budgeting a collaborative process, not a controlling one. Think of it as a roadmap toward your shared future.

5. Establish shared financial goals

Beyond the day-to-day spending requirements, couples also benefit from setting short-term and long-term financial goals together. These goals foster a sense of partnership and purpose.

Examples include building an emergency fund, paying off debt, saving for a home, investing for retirement, planning holidays or special experiences, and saving for children’s education.

Discussing timelines, contributions, and priorities ensures that both partners feel invested. Celebrate milestones together—it keeps motivation high and reminds you why you're working as a team.

6. Address debt transparently

Debt can be a sensitive topic, especially if one partner has significantly more than the other. Hiding or downplaying debt leads to distrust and resentment.

Instead, approach it as a joint challenge. Review all outstanding debts and create a repayment plan. Decide if you'll tackle debt separately or together.  Strategies like the debt snowball (paying the smallest balances first) or debt avalanche (paying the highest interest rates first) can help.

However, the key is collaboration. Supporting each other emotionally and practically can turn a stressful situation into a triumph of teamwork.

7. Plan for the unexpected

Life is unpredictable—job loss, illness, accidents, or unexpected expenses can derail even the best-laid financial plans. Establishing and maintaining ‘safety nets’ in place can provide peace of mind that when something unexpected happens, there are funds available to meet the cost.

A successful ‘safety net’ strategy should contain at least the following elements:

• Emergency fund: Aim to save 3-6 months of living expenses. These funds should be parked somewhere accessible, such as a savings account or your home loan’s access facility (if you have one).
• Insurance: Ensure that you have adequate health, life, disability, buildings, vehicle, and household goods insurance, and that you understand the terms, conditions, benefits, and costs (including any excess payable) of each policy.
• Estate planning: Consider creating wills, powers of attorney, and health-care directives—even if you're young (in fact, especially if you are young and/or have dependents).

Talking through these topics may feel uncomfortable, but shows mutual care and responsibility.

8. Avoid the ‘financial scorecard’

Keeping score of who earns more, who spends more, and who saves more can create resentment and power imbalances.  In a healthy financial partnership, the goal is equity, not equality.

Equity means recognising the value of all contributions, including unpaid labour such as child-rearing or housework. Rather than focusing on the rands and cents that each partner contributes, it’s far healthier for the relationship to focus on shared efforts, joint goals, and mutual respect.

9. Schedule regular financial check-ins

Just as couples benefit from date nights or emotional check-ins, they also benefit from regular financial reviews. These sessions are useful for reviewing spending and savings, tracking progress toward goals, discussing upcoming expenses, adjusting the budget if needed, and celebrating financial wins (remember to budget for these!).

Approach check-ins with curiosity and kindness. They’re an opportunity to stay connected, resolve small issues before they become big, and build trust.

10. Consider professional help when needed

If financial conflicts persist, or you’re facing complex decisions (for example, merging finances after remarriage, dealing with an inheritance, or tax planning), consider working with a professional. Investing in guidance can save time, stress, and even money in the long run.

The following professional assistance should be considered:

• Financial planners can help with budgeting, investment strategies, and long-term planning.
• Couples therapists can support communication and conflict resolution.
• Accountants or tax professionals can optimise legal structures and tax strategies.

Final thoughts

Managing finances as a couple isn’t just about numbers—it’s about communication, compromise, and shared vision. Like any aspect of a relationship, it requires effort, patience, and ongoing attention.

By building financial transparency, respecting each other’s perspectives, and working toward common goals, couples can create not just financial stability but also a deeper connection and trust. Money then becomes not a wedge, but a bridge—one that leads to the life you both want to build together.

Most importantly, every couple’s financial journey is unique.  What matters most is staying aligned, being honest, and committing to growth together.

WRITTEN BY STEVEN JONES

Steven Jones is a retired tax practitioner and member of the South African Institute of Professional Accountants.

While every reasonable effort is taken to ensure the accuracy and soundness of the contents of this publication, neither writers of articles nor the publisher will bear any responsibility for the consequences of any actions based on information or recommendations contained herein. Our material is for informational purposes.